The struggle to gain or maintain weight.

 
*This post may get a little rant-y. I've had a hard day with this, and many people don't quite understand how emotional this struggle can be. I like to post as much about my pregnancy as I can in my blog to maybe help other first time pregnant moms like me, or even those who have struggles in their pregnancies.

  Today I had to go to the WIC office for an appointment. Every time I go in they have to weigh me because of the hyperemesis I had the first half of my pregnancy. If you've read my blog, you may remember that I lost about 35 pounds in the first couple months and could not gain it back very well. In fact, I still haven't made it up to my pre-pregnancy weight of 175. Last week at the same time on the same day, I weighed 172.5. I rejoiced and thought "yes! I am finally gaining weight! I don't have to go through this crap anymore!" Today at the same time on the same day of the week, I weighed 167 pounds. You have no idea how hard this was for me.
  Before you stop reading and say "oh BOO-HOO so you can't gain any weight! Most women would love to be in your shoes." Please be courteous and think again. Every time I lose weight, my doctor gives me the same talk about the possibility of a low birth weight baby, or other health complications that my son may have because I can't even keep weight on very long. I've been given that talk well over 20 times by 4 different doctors/OBs/midwives. Trust me, it isn't like I am not actively trying to gain weight. I eat the recommended amount of protein a day for pregnant women. Even a little more. I eat enough calories. I eat a balanced diet, but because of my inability to keep weight on, I have to have silly meals like baked beans, cheese, orange juice, bread. And when I eat, I have to eat as much as I can. Which is another really emotionally difficult thing for me 1.) because when I had hyperemesis I was in so much pain that eating was emotionally scarring because of pain and vomit episodes. 2.) I've been on the other end where I've struggled to lose weight, and eating this much food makes me emotional because of the "I have to eat less to weigh less" mentality. Which by the way, is not always necessarily true.
  I have a family member who had a struggle with weight gain when she was a teenager. She wasn't pregnant. She was underweight and sometimes scary underweight. I remember her saying things about how she would eat a giant burger and nothing would happen. Honestly, I was a little envious of her. I hated hearing her talk about it because I would often mistake it for bragging. It wasn't until I started going through this struggle that I realized how horribly wrong I was about her problem gaining weight. Even today I feel bad for rolling my eyes when she would talk about how skinny she was. I remember people telling her to "go eat a burger!" or something along those lines. I thought it was kind of funny at the time, but now I understand part of how she felt. And now I have to go through it, but with the added guilt/emotion of having a baby share my body while I worry about gaining enough to properly nourish and carry him.
  One thing I will never do again is tell a skinny person to go eat a burger. Never again will I sarcastically tell them "BOO HOO, being skinny must be so hard!" Those are very poisonous things to say to someone going through the struggle of weight gain. Because I dread seeing what numbers pop up when I step on that large silver scale. I pray that I will have at least retained or gained one pound each week. It is a real struggle. Even if you think it isn't.
  And even though I never really got along with the family member who struggled with weight gain, I want to apologize in this post to you. I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's emotionally taxing. And you get teased or discouraged by people a lot more (at least in my experience) than when you're trying to lose weight. I'm sorry if I ever discouraged you while you were struggling to gain weight. It sucks, and people don't often realize how much they "skinny shame" and how much it can hurt. It sucks that it took me this long and it took me actually experiencing it in order to understand.
  I didn't post this to get sympathy or pity, my intention was to maybe make people a little more aware of what they say to those who may be underweight. Skinny shaming really isn't funny. Neither is fat shaming. Or any kind of shaming. Weight gain can be a struggle, and I hope more people will become aware of it.