Taking time to heal

  Recently I went on a wonderful vacation with my son to visit our family in the Portland, OR area. It was a much needed breather from the stresses of life. Broc had a blast, and I was so relieved to be with my family after 6 long months without seeing them. Unfortunately we both caught a cold while we were there. Although Broc caught the same thing, it seems like his symptoms weren't as bad as mine. He currently has only a small cough. I'm dealing with a fever, headache, congestion and a really awful cough. This morning (Sunday, June 25th) my fever spiked to 103 and my cough was so bad I had trouble breathing. I made the decision not to go to church and to sleep in a little bit.
  Fast forward, it is now 4 pm and I've been sleeping or resting on my couch most of the day. About an hour ago I was so frustrated with myself. I was angry with myself for letting so much time during the day slip away. I could have done some laundry, planned for the week, gone for a walk, etc. I became so angry with myself that I also started struggling with anxiety from my self-punishing. I decided to turn to the scriptures and some quotes online to find some comfort. I came across these two quotes on google:


This quote holds double meaning for  me. It means healing of the heart and the body. As I saw it, the part of me that had been so angry at myself was chastised. I felt like I had let pride get in the way of healing properly.
I have to start at work again this week and dive back into my schoolwork as well. I need to be at least sort of better by the time that comes. So it is necessary for me to heal from the sickness I have. I feel like I live in constant fear of wasting time, and if I feel like I have wasted time I am not very kind to myself. But today is a necessary relaxation day. I need to take the time to heal physically and maybe it is also an opportunity for me to spiritually/ emotionally continue to heal from the wounds inflicted on me as of late.
A couple weeks ago I was at an all time low. I took a chance and put myself out there thinking it would be the noble thing to do. I was met with coldness and abuse. My heart was stomped on to say the least. The next day I knew I had to take a lot of steps all at once in order to start the healing process. Since then there have been days where I feel so anxious about facing the person who hurt me so many times, but I have no choice but to face them everyday. I was so frustrated with myself for being anxious about something I had to do.
  Overall, I really just need to be kinder to myself. I need to not be so lifted up in pride that I am angry with myself when I do not progress as quickly as I expect myself to. Sometimes I set expectations of myself that are not necessarily achievable or realistic. While it is a good thing to push yourself and stretch yourself (it is after all how we grow) - it is not okay to beat yourself up when you do not accomplish something right away or when you take the time to properly heal from a trial or sickness.
  It's okay to slow down. And I really need to learn that. It's okay to relax. It's okay to go out and make friends and hang out with them.
  

Begin Again.

  If you're a single mom or maybe in a situation where you have to provide for yourself and a child you might understand the struggle and anguish of starting from nothing.
  When I got divorced I was in school, with no job, having had no job experience in the past 2.5 years, no family nearby, and my friends had just moved away. I was utterly alone and I had to start from the bottom. But for some reason that didn't really scare me. It stressed me out, but I was able to continue with school and find a job. Now I feel like I have been in a low place emotionally for about a week. And in the past couple days a situation arose that put me into absolute heartbreaking emotional anguish.
  So I guess today I'm starting from the bottom in a different way. I'm moving on and making myself better for me and my son. There's no looking back at the past anymore. It does no good to wish for things from the past. My focus needs to be on making my future and my son's future bright and happy.
  I've been stuck in a rut for the past few months. All I ever get to do is go to work on days when my son is at his dad's house and then on days when he's home with me I do homework and study and spend time with him. That has been my entire day everyday with very little variance. I made this realization a few weeks ago and asked myself "is this rut really helping me progress?" And I talked to my bishop and brought this up. He said that sometimes being in a rut is part of the plan God has in store for us. We need to work hard to get on our feet and then take the next step to accept opportunities as they arise.
  I have no idea what the future holds, and it's going to take a while (and some counseling) to get through the heartbreak and anguish I've felt the past few days. But I know it will be worth it. I felt hopeless a few days ago, but I realize that hope is never really lost. It's never really gone. There's always a glimmer of hope and I just need to find that glimmer of hope and cling to it.
  My glimmer of hope is my beautiful son and the opportunity I have to get this education at BYU Idaho. My son is the light and love of my life. He is such a special boy and he gives my life meaning and motivation. Being a mom is such an honor to me, and the fact that I was blessed with my boy to me means that there is a plan for me. God has amazing things in store.
  I worked hard to get into college after not doing so well in High School. I was accepted into this University which means I have this amazing opportunity to better myself and provide more for my family.
  There is someone out there for me, and although it might take a week or an eternity, I will work hard to improve myself and prepare to meet that person. I know he is special and will love me for who I am. He will be kind and loving and not hurt me.
  I guess my theme for this post is that there is always hope in every situation. You just need to focus on finding that hope.
  So take a deep breath.
  Pick yourself up.
  Dust yourself off.
  Start all over again.

Human

  I think the only reason I'm still sort of okay is because of my son.

  Honestly.

  As I mentioned in my blog post yesterday, the past few months have been difficult to say the least. And after weeks like this one I feel a little bit dejected with a "woe is me" attitude. Just being real. I'm no saint. I'm fairly patient, but not with myself. I am so anxious about giving my son an amazing life that I push myself to tears. 

  I guess it's because I'm human. 

  I don't know about you, but I feel like Christina Perry's (sorry if I butchered the spelling of her name...) song "Human" was practically written for me. I really don't feel like I am very strong. Especially right now. I feel a little beaten down from the trials I've endured. Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the Rexburg temple and honestly just sobbed my heart out. My prayer to God was more of a plea for strength because I feel weak. My prayer and cries sounded an awful lot like the lyrics to this song... 

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

That's the bare bones truth of how I feel at the moment. I know I can do it and I know I can get through my trials, but at the moment I am hurting. I'm praying for strength to continue to do what's right to move forward in my life and continue to be the good mom I know I am. I'm not going to take the "easy way out" or take shortcuts. It's really time to just be a big girl, put my emotions aside and continue on. 

I know my last post and this one are super choppy and seem like a conglomerate of random thoughts all squished together... that's kind of intentional. Feelings aren't always rational or organized. But I feel like it's important that I squeeze all of these random thoughts and feelings into my posts in order to help other single parents or whoever to get through the hard times in their lives... if that makes sense...?

Anyway, here are the goals that I wrote down for myself to achieve tonight and tomorrow in an effort to simplify my life and progress in the direction I want:

-finish all homework that is due tonight (Wednesday June 7)

-take out the trash

-do a few loads of laundry

-plan out my day for Thursday

-remember to drink water

-if my anxiety gets my heart racing, take a few minutes to do some deep breathing and then continue with my tasks

-stay at work for the entire shift and try to have fun with coworkers

-take some stuff to the D.I to donate

I think I'll just keep it simple and focus on breathing and being happy through those goals. 

  

Miles to go

  Life in the past 5 months has been utter chaos. The first 2 months were so hard and I still have no idea how I got through that. Since then I've been craving a new start and a happier life. I've been on this search to find myself and do things that make me happy. I've learned how to pick my battles and fight smarter, not necessarily harder. I've worked harder than I ever have in my whole life to create something special and to give myself and my son a good life.
  Today I picked up my little guy from his dad's house and we went to the grocery store to pick up some milk as well as a few other things. I felt joy the entire time. Just being with my boy and seeing his sweet little smile made me so happy... even with the two short tantrums.
  After grocery shopping we came home, parked the car, and started walking toward our little townhouse. I stopped when I saw a little butterfly on the sidewalk. I pointed it out to Broc and he squealed with joy. He then pointed to it and shouted "BA!!!" I explained to him that it was a butterfly. I asked if he thought it was pretty and again he smiled and shouted "BA!!!" It was a sweet little moment I enjoyed with all my heart.
  We walked on to the courtyard outside our house and played on a tricycle that the neighborhood kids share. Broc was so proud when I put him on the little seat and he could reach the pedals! He still hasn't quite figured out how to push them to go forward, but it was a happy milestone nonetheless. He waved to me and smiled, and still happy about his butterfly experience shrieked "BA!!!"
  When we got home, he was a little cranky and tired so we had a small snack and sat down on the floor in our dining room/ laundry area. In this room I have a piano keyboard. He decided he wanted to play a song for me, so he climbed up onto the swivel chair like a little bear cub and began to bang on the keys joyfully. I smiled as I watched him because it made me so happy that he was so happy to play it. He turned on one of the drum beats and started bouncing his head in perfect time with the rhythm which made me one proud mama. :)
  After our fabulous little concert, little bear began to rub his eyes. I grabbed a towel and took him upstairs for a bath and pjs. I got his little bed all ready for him and he stood behind me as I did holding his little pink sippy cup with one hand and sucking his thumb with the other. When I turned around he looked up at me with his big ole precious eyes. I picked him up, hugged and kissed him and put him down to bed. As I left his room with a laundry basket balancing on my hip I blew him a kiss and said "goodnight". Then he waved at me as I turned his light off and closed the door.
  Now the day really started off rough. I was in the ER for 4 hours in pain from endometriosis and PCOS. Then I napped for an hour and showered before heading off to work. After work I came home and did homework. I didn't get much time to accomplish my goals or sleep. And chances are, I probably still won't get to sleep for at least another hour. But it's the sweet memories I made with my baby boy today that keep me going through these insane schedules.
  When I was in High School I competed in a poetry recitation twice. Both times I recited Robert Frost's "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". I didn't know why I chose it the second time, but I am so glad I did. Memorizing this poem has helped me greatly in my adult life. The lines are so profound to those who are on a journey (in truth all of us are). As I reflect on my day today and how much more there is to do before I finally get to close my eyes and experience the bliss of sleep, Robert Frost's words ring clear in my mind:

Whose woods these are I think I know.   

His house is in the village though;   

He will not see me stopping here   

To watch his woods fill up with snow.   

My little horse must think it queer   

To stop without a farmhouse near   

Between the woods and frozen lake   

The darkest evening of the year.   

He gives his harness bells a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

The only other sound’s the sweep   

Of easy wind and downy flake.   

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

This poem makes me think of the promises I made to myself and to God to take care of my sweet boy and myself. I know that the best way to do that is to work hard and make sacrifices. I will have opportunities to rest or take time to play, but I need to work hard and keep pursuing my goals so that I have those wonderful opportunities. 

Today was hard. Tomorrow might also be hard. Especially because there's banana crusted into my carpets and one of my nice towels is covered in toddler poop...

But I know I can keep going and I will work hard to keep prioritizing correctly. I am so grateful for the sweet memories made today. I look forward with joy to the ones we will make tomorrow. 

14 months old :)

Ever since Broc turned 1 I always just say he's 1. It's easier to remember haha. But I thought it would be fun to start back up with monthly updates for my family and friends. 

Yesterday, my bear turned 14 months. In the past month he has hit a couple little milestones and a couple big ones. 

Milestones

-His top two front teeth came in at the same time and oh so fast. That was a hard couple days.

-He loves to hold mommy's hand and go on walks.

-He started using utensils to eat. He still uses his hands most of the time, but he taught himself to use a spoon and fork. So proud of my smart, little guy!

-He said a few new words and even attempts a few phrases. He says "I did it!" and "I like it!" It's kind of hard to decipher, so it's a good thing mommy is fluent in toddler speak ;) 

-He finally started waving bye-bye. 

-He hugs every baby and toddler he comes into contact with. Just the most loving little boy. <3

Here are some fun pictures from the past month :)

Mommy updates

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This month has been super hard for us financially. I did start my part time job, and I work with some wonderful people. Unfortunately I got sick and there were some communication issues, but now it's all resolved and I am going back to work tomorrow. Working hard to save money to pay the bills. Being a single mom is rough, but I am so grateful for the wonderful family and friends in my life who help me through!

I recently finished my first 21 day fix. If you don't know what that is, it's a 21 day fitness regimen that includes measuring your food according to how many calories you need each day. There are workouts you do everyday too. Each of them are about half an hour and they are all intense! I am happy to report that I lost 7.1 pounds. :) I didn't lose a size in pants or shirt, but I am definitely noticing that my belly, thighs and arms are shrinking. Since then I have been going to the gym almost every other day. I'm going to do another round of the 21 day fix starting this Saturday! I'm excited to see the results after 21 more days. I want to continue to go to the gym when I have the time because it really helps me cope with my anxiety disorder. 

That's another thing to talk about... in January I stopped taking my anxiety medication because it was making me gain an unhealthy amount of weight in a very short period of time. It also made me super sick. Since then I have had a hard time regulating my sleep. For the past week I have been working hard to get myself back to a normal sleep schedule. I would take melatonin at 9:30 and be in bed by 11 most nights. I would wake up at 7. It was super hard and sometimes I would have to lay in bed in the morning and garner all my emotional strength to get out of bed. But this morning was the first time my alarm went off at 7, and I was able to get out of bed after only 5 minutes! Last night I tried something different and meditated before bed. I did a Kundalini meditation using the mantra "Sa Ta Na Ma" I think I'm going to do it again tonight before bed. Hopefully I can continue to progress.

That's all the update I really have right now. I'll try to write at least once a month and update everyone on some milestones of Broc's and my weight loss journey. :)

Update: Back to Blogging

I haven't posted in a long time. A lot has happened since I did. Here's a list of some of the things that have happened the past few months...
-We spent Christmas in Washington with my family
-Broc turned 1 year old
-I started another semester, this time just online classes since it's my off track
-My husband and I started the process of a divorce. It will go through in the next month or so
-I got a part time job to lower the amount of student loans I incur
-I started drawing and painting again, and started turning my bedroom into an art studio
-I have made big strides with my anxiety. I started taking medication for it, and I've begun to branch out and be more social
-I got back into fencing

I'm sure there's more I'm missing, but those are some of the big things. I haven't really been blogging at all because life has gotten so stressful. It is still stressful, but things are winding down and I am starting to figure out who I am and what kind of things bring joy to my life.
Speaking of joy in my life, my son is growing so much and so quickly. He's so interactive, happy and silly. I love him so much and he brings so much joy to my life.
I will try to blog when I can. Not sure what it will consist of. Maybe poems, pictures, stories about my days with Broc, and goals set and/or accomplished.
We will see :)
Thanks for being loyal readers even during these periods of absence. <3
XOXO

Big Boy!

Yesterday I took out Broc's infant carseat and installed our new Graco Forever carseat. It's an all in one with rear facing all the way through a booster. I installed it and we gave it a test run last night. I put Broc in it and took a picture before I could adjust it to his height so don't judge the first picture below. I put him in it to adjust the height before we left and he was ecstatic!! He was so proud to be in his new rear facing seat! He can see into his mirror better and he can see out the window a little better. He was all smiles!

A big thank you is due for his Grandma Emily and Grandpa! They bought us this carseat and we are so grateful. It will last us a long long time!