Human

  I think the only reason I'm still sort of okay is because of my son.

  Honestly.

  As I mentioned in my blog post yesterday, the past few months have been difficult to say the least. And after weeks like this one I feel a little bit dejected with a "woe is me" attitude. Just being real. I'm no saint. I'm fairly patient, but not with myself. I am so anxious about giving my son an amazing life that I push myself to tears. 

  I guess it's because I'm human. 

  I don't know about you, but I feel like Christina Perry's (sorry if I butchered the spelling of her name...) song "Human" was practically written for me. I really don't feel like I am very strong. Especially right now. I feel a little beaten down from the trials I've endured. Tonight I pulled into the parking lot of the Rexburg temple and honestly just sobbed my heart out. My prayer to God was more of a plea for strength because I feel weak. My prayer and cries sounded an awful lot like the lyrics to this song... 

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that’s what you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that’s what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that’s what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I’m only human, yeah

I’m only human
I’m only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

That's the bare bones truth of how I feel at the moment. I know I can do it and I know I can get through my trials, but at the moment I am hurting. I'm praying for strength to continue to do what's right to move forward in my life and continue to be the good mom I know I am. I'm not going to take the "easy way out" or take shortcuts. It's really time to just be a big girl, put my emotions aside and continue on. 

I know my last post and this one are super choppy and seem like a conglomerate of random thoughts all squished together... that's kind of intentional. Feelings aren't always rational or organized. But I feel like it's important that I squeeze all of these random thoughts and feelings into my posts in order to help other single parents or whoever to get through the hard times in their lives... if that makes sense...?

Anyway, here are the goals that I wrote down for myself to achieve tonight and tomorrow in an effort to simplify my life and progress in the direction I want:

-finish all homework that is due tonight (Wednesday June 7)

-take out the trash

-do a few loads of laundry

-plan out my day for Thursday

-remember to drink water

-if my anxiety gets my heart racing, take a few minutes to do some deep breathing and then continue with my tasks

-stay at work for the entire shift and try to have fun with coworkers

-take some stuff to the D.I to donate

I think I'll just keep it simple and focus on breathing and being happy through those goals.